Through the Looking-Glass

Fear, Faith, and Flickers of Hope.

“Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

Jabberwocky (1871). Poem by Lewis Carroll

Photo by aisvri on Unsplash

I memorized the poem Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll as a teen. I simply fell in love with the musical sounding nonsense words - and with the young boy’s eagerness at slaying the dreaded monster. Carroll’s language is mysterious, nonsensical, and yet so close to something true… It is as if we can feel what’s happening, all while knowing we have no idea what these words mean.

Sometimes I would recite the poem for our four children, delivering the oration with great drama. I mean, wow. How fun is this?

Our kids loved it.

(I’ll weave the rest of the poem throughout this post).

At this point you’re likely wondering what in the world Jabberwocky has to do with our cancer battle.

What is this monster? What in the world is a “vorpal sword”, and how does one face this “manxome foe?”

Cancer is a whole new world of crazy.

Angiogenesis. Autophagy. Tumour burden. PICC line. Neutropenia. FOLFOX. Oxaliplatin. Apoptosis. KRAS mutation. CEA. Biomarkers. MRI. Bevacizumab. Neuropathy. PET scan. Hyperthermia. Curcumin. Microbiome. Dendritic cell therapy. Neutrophils. Mistletoe. Mebendazole. Subcutaneous. Coriolus versicolor.

Have you ever walked into someone’s impressive personal library and thought “Did they actually read all these books, or is this more for show?” I’ve thought that, competitive cynic that I am. And lately I’m looking at my own books and asking myself the same question.

I assure you that I can easily fit every one of these cancer words into sentences.

That is what life looks like now. There’s no letting up.

Many of you will know that Lewis Carroll wrote a second book in his Alice in Wonderland series, called Through the Looking-Glass (1871). It’s there we find his delightful poem Jabberwocky. While Alice falls down the rabbit hole in book one, in the second book she passes through a mirror into a distorted reality that is both whimsical and deeply troubling.

David and I are now viewing life through the looking-glass.

And we’re facing our own monster. “The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!”

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“He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.”

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My husband sometimes tells me I’m reading about cancer too much. I’m too consumed with alternative treatments and experimental protocols. He’s somewhere between deeply grateful that I’m informed, and irritated that I’m spending so much time down the rabbit hole.

He makes good points.

Here’s what I am understanding more deeply each day: Only God can make sense of this new world we’re in. Only God can show us how to face this foe. And, ultimately, only His power within us and around us can handle this monster.

So I need to be careful lest I try to slay this thing on my own.

As if I could.

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“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

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My sword? The Word of God through daily scripture challenges and promises. The foe? A broken world, groaning for Kingdom relief.

Someday we’ll say something like “O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” But first we must live in the here and now. Living in the tension of cancer craziness and normal life.

While fretting over neutropenia on the one hand, I choose to enjoy our grandchildren, breathing slowly and deeply as I see their runny little noses.

I dream that hyperthermia will boost the efficacy of FOLFOX in triggering apoptosis.

But I also just love to have a walk with David, breathing deeply the fragrant spring air, trusting in the One who placed us here according to His plans.

Enjoying time with our precious family on Sunday. Mother’s Day.

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Dear friends,

Once again, thank you for your prayer support and ongoing love.

As some of you know, David’s alternative treatments are extremely expensive. We will spend thousands and thousands of dollars. Yet we remain hopeful that these therapies, alongside traditional chemotherapy, may both extend life as well as mitigate some of the harsher side effects.

We have jokingly told our daughters that their “inheritance” will go to funding their dad’s expenses. They are quite happy with this.

Some of you have already sent us financial support. Thank you! This means more than you know.

For others, I have now updated the “subscriber” option here on Substack. Honestly, it was a difficult decision to make. I love writing and deeply value this community. It feels odd to monetize this.

At the same time, we are increasingly aware of the financial burden of these treatments. I am so deeply grateful that David and I actually have the option to pursue them. So many would not. We do not take that lightly.

All this to say, I value you as friends and readers, whether or not you become a paid subscriber!

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